Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?