Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
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Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
no one ever comes back
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect