FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
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Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
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Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
no their not
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.