today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!