At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
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5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no