“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
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Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.