Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
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me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
stop
Tell me you get it…🤣
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs