All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
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My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito