My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.