They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
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*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.