Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
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I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I’m good, thanks.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.