Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
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If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
They’re called werewolves.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.