Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
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Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand