@semple42

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

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@WiseguyPictures

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

@InternetHippo

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

@dafloydsta

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

@Jez1

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

@hurlarious

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

@mayamanion

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

@skittle624

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

@JohnLyonTweets

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.