me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
You Might Also Like
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams