One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
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*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.