I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
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Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
All excellent questions
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Story of my life…..