This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
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Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.