Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
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today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it鈥檚 my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
馃幎we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
This bar smells like my childhood.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won鈥檛 let it go until I give her a bully stick. It鈥檚 extortion!
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I鈥檓 still in my 40s.