PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
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The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die