To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
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I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
The check engine light came on inside my oven.