*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
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WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Mountain Goat : )
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.