*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
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Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.