Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
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Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I love you…
…r dog.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…