Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
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I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.