A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
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“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same