My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
You Might Also Like
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
lumberjacks will cut a birch
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
eating my hot dog hamburger style
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.