When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
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I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
My birthstone is kidney
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!