I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
You Might Also Like
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
i did the math
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”