I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
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he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I just love that new Pope smell.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.