I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
You Might Also Like
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.