wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
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I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors