7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
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Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*