Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
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girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Love this guy
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle