Love this guy
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“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Hello Twits.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?