I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
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Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Bring back the McRib
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭