On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
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Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors