According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
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The internet is magic sometimes.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.