Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.