My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
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Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Breaking news:
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I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
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A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.