My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
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*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.