My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
You Might Also Like
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Breaking news:
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY