Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
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Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
everyone has that one prude friend
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.