Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
A roof is a house hat.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché