[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
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my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Can. I. Help. You.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Hello Twits.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit