Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
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Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College