@mxmclain

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

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@noog

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

@canadasandra

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

@djrogge

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

@JamieGreenlees

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

@DelilahSmashbox

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

@rad_milk

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

@LitBiden

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

@ericsshadow

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory