I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
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“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then