My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
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If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Erm…
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.