And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
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When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.