[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
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Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”