I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

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And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet



If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?


[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*


I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker


“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will


Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?


I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER


Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.


I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.