accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
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Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Beware of the dog..
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
He wanted to make sure😂
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water