after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
You Might Also Like
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Cucumbers Anonymous