BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
You Might Also Like
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
We need more people like this.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
WHY would you be happy about this?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.