*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Trains are just sideway elevators.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
these two trucks have the same bed length
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.