*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
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Seekh Kebab
Not attention
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳