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5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Seems kinda suspicious
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake